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| I wipe the sleep from my eyes. Today I am going to label the muscles of a worksheet, to apply lacquer to the keratinization process that happens at the end of my fingers and just, in general, study for Anatomy and Physiology.
I woke up much too late, and much too cold. I was lazy yesterday and didn't feel like finishing laundry and therefore slept under one comforter on a bare mattress. Bah.
I have got to work some things out with this school year, because I'm under more of a time crunch than I thought. As in,
HELLO EILEEN IT'S THE WEEK BEFORE EXAMS YOU GRAVY SUCKER,
and I really need to study.
And work.
And achieve.
Coffee is my new best friend.
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| ... of my devotion to your saccharine scent,
And to be completely honest, you're not like all the rest."
- Spill Canvas
That song has been playing in my head all day. I was tapping my feet to it as I (rather quickly) bubbled in the answers to the SAT, and I was trying my best to be quiet when I was humming to myself. And to be completely honest...
My nose is so red that it hurts. The constant sniffling and tissue using is really taking its toll. I must admit, though, that I'm better, and less sick. My throat feels loads better. I'm drinking tea to soothe it. I'm learning to drink tea without sugar, and to keep my coffee black. Justin and his family would be proud! I'm always the one digging under the cupboards for a few (heaping) spoonfuls to put into a steaming mug. Your saccharine scent...
Justin kept me company last night until one in the morning because I couldn't sleep. It was nice to talk to him for so long and have it be so friendly, with banter and jokes and laughter. That's the part of me that usually gets swallowed up during school because I have to work so hard to maintain my energy. He always says it's like I show the happy Eileen to everyone else and then he gets the worn out shell that's left at the end of the day. I know he's right a lot of the time, but sometimes it's hard to not have energy for yourself, let alone another person. To tell the truth, he really does put up with a lot from me. Between the disordered eating, the self injury, the depression, the insecurities, the money troubles, the family spats, the bed habits and callous attitude, I'm genuinely surprised my good qualities balance me out. Actually, not surprised. Relieved. I work hard for that. I make myself the kind of person good people will like. I take care of myself so people will like me for me, and not for my problems. I push myself so I can be an accomplished and well-rounded lady. I want to be the best person I can be because it shows just how far I've come. I don't think I'll ever be able to overlook how much Justin has truly supported me in every way possible, and how he's loved every inch of me even when I hated myself. You're not like all the rest...
I need to remember that the perfect girl I hold in my mind is really a conglomerate of qualities from girls who are not perfect at all and don't expect me to be perfect, either.
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| Slept in, stayed home.
I dreamed all night about not being able to find my wedding dress, of serving men pieces of my sternum.
Of fake bears and crashing trucks.
I'm quietly drowning and making it look easy. I am determined to keep my head above water, to fight the salty water as it searches for my lips and nose.
I will get second honors this quarter, and first honors the next two. I will do that because I am smart and determined and anything else is just not acceptable.
My throat is red and raw and swollen.
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| Possibly:
People who have difficult backgrounds are either forced to grow or become unable to.
I like a lot of people because of their unique perspective on life and their perspective in life is based on their (bad) experiences.
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| Thanksgiving break was a roller coaster.
And I was the tracks.
And the rider, and the straps and the operator.
Sorry about that. I suck sometimes.
I love your family.
I love you.
Today has been a long week.
I'm at a new high. (147.2)
WHY
... do I care?
... am I so 'fat'?
... does it matter?
... won't it stop mattering?
My scars are puffy and fading.
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True
